It has been more than four decades since the last Men’s Rights Activists were routed by Misandrists during the Tit Offensive. Since then the feminist dystopia has ruthlessly victimized men, forcing them into poverty and making the wearing of the fedora a daring and subversive act.

I have no idea where this GIF came from.

But there is hope! There are still male heroes fighting the matriarchy and demanding their Man-given rights to be Men. One such hero is Emile Nelson, who today authored a treatise on what men deserve from the women they are forced to copulate with, since it’s still illegal for men to Go Their Own Way. Nelson boldly proclaims, in a section titled “Show Up Naked”, that

there are few things [worse] than a girl who is brave enough to take some control in a relationship. This means saying what you like, how you like it, when you like it, where you like it and not being afraid to be the initiator and get nasty-specific with your boy.

The modern woman, drunk on the theories of Lindy West and other radical feminists, has come to believe that it is her own desires that matter, rather than those of male columnists in shitty college newspapers. They are tragically mistaken, of course, and not only are ruining the happiness of their male slaves but are in fact acting contrary to their own interests. Emile insists that in order for a woman to have any chance of not dying alone and unloved, “you need to be completely naked in each sense of the word every time you show up to play with your man.”

Thus “boobies” is the first of the “words that make men melt.” When Jason Collins, the NBA player who came out on Monday, was asked what makes him melt, he answered—without hesitation—“boobies”. Upon being threatened with sexual assault by Lena Dunham, Collins dissolved into his constituent elements.

The second key word identified by Emile Nelson is “beer.” Discussing beer, Nelson writes:

As much as guys like to see a lady squeal, it’s not always enough to go home thinking “yeaaa I bet she feels good” while armies of ninjas (infamously known as blue balls) slash up your downstairs business. I don’t mean to say that you should never ever let your man go home unfinished, but please, if you’re in a sexual relationship, don’t let his little friend’s satisfaction fall to the wayside on a regular basis.

This is a novel argument that, for men, sex with a women is an act of self-defense. When asked what his greatest fear is, Jason Collins answered, “the little ninjas in my balls, definitely.”

The third word that, when uttered, imbues men with the power to fight misandry is “Batman“:

Every single boy has [the same] dreams of [the same] freaky ways he wishes he could get it on and most of them are harmless and exciting. The problem is that far too often, these fantasies are disregarded because the act itself is “good enough.” I’m here to tell you that if you let him wear his Batman mask and talk in the Dark Knight’s voice as he explores your Batcave with his Batmobile, you will have given that man a memory to be cherished until the end of time.

Jason Collins confirmed in his Sports Illustrated interview that his favorite sexual roleplaying scenario is “anything involving Batman.”

Emile Nelson ends his manifesto with a final warning to any women whose misandry has not been fully eviscerated by his wise words:

Men are fairly simple creatures; take care of them and they’ll take care of you. Just remember, ladies, trashy has the word “trash” in it for a reason. Keep it classy until the door closes.

In other words, show up naked, but don’t, because that would mean you’re a slut.

*fist pump*