Marissa Perez of The Bottom Line—the only arm of our media empire that actually does any work—today broke the story of a hate crime that occurred last month:

Violence broke out in Isla Vista on Trigo Road Friday, April 26, following one student directing homophobic comments toward another, reminding the campus community of the importance of creating a safe climate in and around campus.

[T]he student who had made the homophobic comments began “kicking [the victim’s] head repeatedly and started stomping on him,” said Aljawad. “I just wanted him to not kill the guy, so we called the cops.”

This incident raises not only issues of campus climate but also the dismissive attitude the police often take toward crimes against minority groups. Law enforcement is perceived by many to take the side of those perpetrating hate crimes, instead of those victimized by them.

In the wake of this story, the Nexus was not silent. In today’s op-ed, Emile Nelson and R. Pengsta have a message for the GSRM community at UCSB:

Go away.

Smoothly articulating the principles behind the mission statement of the Nexus, Nelson and Pengsta bravely defend commonsense heterosexual values against the “compulsory homosexuality” taught in liberal universities such as UCSB. They also unapologetically reaffirm the Biblical truth that men and women are irredeemably different creatures, each incomprehensible to the other.

Nelson and Pengsta therefore present their polemic as a dialogue, with Pengsta as the straight woman speaking to other straight women who chase after men, and Nelson reprising his role as the misogynistic fuckwit who slut-shames his female peers. Discussing the Serious Problem of having sex on a first date, Nelson pontificates finely:

[I]t’s risky to light the candles and whip out the Marvin Gaye on day one for a couple of reasons.

  1. Sleaze factor: You can’t help but wonder that if she’s ready for me on day one, who else is getting this kind of treatment?

  2. The Natural Order: It’s much easier to become friends before the first hump than it is to try to go back and get to know each other afterwards. You might feel satisfied, but you’ll probably never know if she shares your love for Batman.

Nelson is of course perfectly correct that if a woman has had sex with multiple (male!) partners she’s thereby worthless, but that point has been made more eloquently elsewhere. His second itemized bit of 19th-century wisdom is rather more original.

It is a truth long-forgotten that men and women can only engage in normal relations (“be friends”, to use the jargon) when they are not and have never been engaged in abnormal relations (have not “fucked each others’ brains out”)—and perhaps not even then! Once the man has taken the woman as his, she is no longer his equal and it is inappropriate and emasculating for him to “talk to her” and “care about her opinion” concerning Batman and similarly intellectual subjects.

So, by-definition-heterosexual Ladies: do you want to talk about Batman with Emile Nelson? Then for the love of God, don’t have sex with him. But don’t have sex with anyone else either, since that would make you a ruined trollop, unworthy of his attention.

Maybe just don’t talk to Emile Nelson.