The last time our worthless subsidiary bothered to publish something this summer, we were alarmed to find that it was an unapologetically misandrist screed against the right of men to do whatever they want without jeopardizing the sex that is also a thing that they have a right to. We at The Daily Nonsense apologize for allowing “Haley K.” a soapbox for her outrageous opinions, and are happy to announce that we have replaced her with “Hayley E.”, who this week has rescued the Nexus tradition of blaming everything on women.
Hayley is concerned in her column about Lulu, a relatively new app that allows women to anonymously review men in a way that’s been described as “Yelp for boys”. Hayley sees the app as part of the ongoing coarsening of our values, driven—of course—by fragile womanly natures:
Now, I fully understand why an app like this was created: Some girl probably got cheated on and said something along the lines of, “My fragile womanly heart has burst asunder! If only other women knew the scheming cruel ways of Bobby Whatshisface!” Were these the good old days, she would’ve drenched his possessions in gasoline, lined them up in the yard to spell “ballface” or “douchenozzle,” and then lit them up like the Fourth of July. But nowadays, such a simple act of rebellion does not seem to go far enough in sending a message to the world.
At first this may seem like an unintuitive conclusion, for one imagines that most men would prefer to retain their possessions than have the #FartMachine hashtag applied to them at OnLulu Dot Com. But as Hayley argues, things can be replaced, but a ruined reputation is forever:
We live in an age where everything we do is permanently stored on the internet. That dorky MySpace profile picture where you had braces and wore your pants too high? It’s up there. That video where you tried to do a sexy dance and instead ended up totally eating it? It’s somewhere in the bowels of the web … or, if you’re really unlucky, on the front page of YouTube. And your romantic endeavors, gross habits and/or traits you’d hoped would never leave the bedroom? Yep. If you’re a man, these, too, are readily available to the public eye thanks to Lulu. Guys, be afraid … be very afraid.
Before you think that this is overly dramatic, that surely guys shouldn’t worry about anonymous review of dubious authenticity posted on a single website—Hayley E. would like to remind you that women are uniformly shallow and mindless, and will often ignore their own judgment because of something a stranger said on the internet:
If my little brother falls for a girl in the future and she decides to look him up on Lulu before their date, she’s going to spend the whole time thinking about his hashtags, judgments fully formed before so much as talking to him. She’ll look specifically for those attributes and faults, and when he does something that matches his description, she’ll feel like everything on the page has been validated.
The danger is clear: this perverse and unaccountable system has the power to render legions of men incel, and angry. But there may be a risk to women as well, apart from the possibility of men going their own way. Men may strike back:
If action isn’t taken against Lulu, it’s only a matter of time before there is a male equivalent. Right now it exists by word of mouth in places like locker rooms, bars and dorms, where towels are rat-tailed and there’s talk of “tapping that.” But soon they could be detailing your nastiest girl habits and that weird thing you did in bed (even if it was just that once) for the whole guy-world to see.
It’s true: if we’re not careful, men might get ideas and start shaming women on the internet. Until now they have been kept in check, following the virtuous example set by women. But now, Hayley worries, women may not be women anymore: they have abdicated their responsibility of reining in male libidos that are too great for men to control by themselves. Now that men see themselves betrayed by women, who knows what they might do?
Perhaps a version of Lulu that allows men to rate women they know. But men’s righteous anger may carry them further. Although not wanting to generalize, Hayley generalizes about men’s likely behavior, saying: “Not to generalize, but I imagine men would be inclined to be a tad more explicit with their posts on your page.” She may be right, however. It’s within the realm of possibility that they might not only leave “reviews” of women, but upload candid photographs of them, publish their personal information, and even encourage ruthless bullying.
It’s possible that all this could happen. So women, shape up. Because if it does happen, it will be your fault for using a novelty app in order to say that a guy is #Boring.