“I love apps. I have downloaded so, so many of them.” — Kyle Richey, Millennial
Millennials love apps. We make Tweets, we Tumbl, and Snap Chat with each other all day long. We also love President Obama. Like, a lot. So we were very excited when we learned that Obama was making an app. An app made by Obama would be the combination of the two things we love — Obama and apps.
But Obama did not make a good app. His app is not the next Snap Chat. It is not snappy. It is bad. Obama’s bad app has left us Millennials feeling betrayed and very sad. And angry:
I wanted to avoid this topic, I did. But I can only sit around for so long while Jon Stewart, NPR and the New York Times — basically all of my closest friends — tear one of my biggest heroes apart. This has been heartbreaking for me. And for all of the times that I have blindly supported Obama, though I will never admit to actually ever being false, today I cannot ignore our president’s decisions simply because I am really inspired by Michelle Obama’s gnarly biceps and triceps. Today is the day I never expected to see. Today I will critique the actions of President Barack Obama.
These words are coming from a Millennial, so they should concern President Obama. Especially because even though this Millennial is writing under the name “Mckinley Krongaus” she is probably actually Lena Dunham:
I am debatably President Obama’s biggest fan. I am constantly tweeting inappropriate fantasies of wishing to bear his children and quite frankly, I don’t know why the National Security Agency hasn’t checked up on me yet. The newspaper cover from that heavenly day in November 2008 remains tacked on my closet door at home and I will forever remember the incredible feeling I had as I gave up my voting virginity for him aside a stripper pole at the lovely AEPi house. But holy shit, is he dicking around right now, or what?
One reason why Millennials are not happy about Obama’s app is that a cool feature was removed that we really wanted. We wanted to be able to be fucked over by insurance companies, and Obama’s app doesn’t let us do that (no wait it was just updated, we’re all good).
But that’s not the only reason we Millennials are mad. We’re also mad because the Obama app is not a good app:
On my bike ride to class yesterday morning I was listening to NPR’s “Morning Edition” (yes, I’m that person) and heard a ridiculous story about these three guys in the Silicon Valley who were fed up with the terrible setup of the healthcare website and sat down and literally made their own. It’s called healthsherpa.com and so far it’s helped to provide thousands of users with insurance quotes that they couldn’t get access to on the actual Affordable Care Act website. One of the programmers said that about 85 percent of their website’s users have been able to complete the process of finding a plan that works for them compared to the humorously praised number of 100,000 Americans that have chosen plans on the real website. Reality check: There are 40 million uninsured Americans and we’re pretending to be stoked on 100,000 being able to even make their way through the website all the way? The moral of the story was that three dudes under the age of 30 created a website that is more functional than the website brain-child of the entire federal government. That’s a little silly, don’t you think?
Lena Dunham is a Millennial, so she learned to code and knows some things:
Move fast and break things
Always be shipping
Disrupt the industry
Obama’s app did not break things. Obama’s app is broken. It’s not the same thing, and Obama’s app is the bad one. Also it did not move fast. Obama’s app is slow. The Health Sherpa is a good app because it was made by Millennial. It also has vision. It does one thing and does it well. Obama’s app tries to do too many things, like sell people health insurance. That’s bad. The Health Sherpa worked for 85 percent of its users. Obama’s app only worked for 100,000.
100,000 is less than 85 percent. That’s bad for Obama and his app.
Obama’s app could not have been worse. It’s as bad as the hurricane that killed a lot of people. Obama’s app might be killing people too, maybe:
obamacare is a fuckin trainwreck. kids with cancer don't even want insurance now. "the website is bad," they said, dying. "its too slow"— beefy tee (@BronzeHammer) October 19, 2013