Dear Santa Barbara,

I’ve decided to enter the race for mayor as a write-in candidate. As our newly elected mayor, my first order of business will enure that all official correspondence takes the form of rhetorical questions.

Let’s brush aside my qualifications and everything else that’s relevant and discuss an issue the surface of which was barely scratched—the police chief’s idea for a door-to-door campaign to discuss the “homeless problem”. If I am so adept at this art of misdirection already, will I not be an admirable politician?

Now that I’ve hitched my announcement of candidacy to a topic that will only interest the people who comment at the Santa Barbara View—how about we dishonestly suppose that such a campaign is motivated by some abstract principle, and then generalize that principle in the hopes of deriving some absurd conclusion?

Doesn’t it say something about my priorities that this is the most important thing I can think to write about?

Most importantly, have you learned anything about me and my political views in this letter?

Thank you for your time. I hope to see you at the next City Council meeting.

— Reven C. Steynalds, Santa Barbara